With Valentine’s Day just finishing, it’s time for this article. Before I share it, I first want to say it is SO okay if you don’t have any intentions of getting married or married soon. It is not a part of everyone’s life goals. But for many people, I find there’s either
- a little ache in their heart for another person
- a little panic that maybe they’ll never ‘find the right one’
- a little intrigue on how to make this aspect of life awesome
For any of these 3 kinds of people - this one's for you.
I was floating in the pacific ocean, off the coast of the Dominican Republic this past summer, with my new friend, Sari. She is from Switzerland and was in her mid 30s. As we talked, the concern in her voice over the timing of getting married and having kids, finding the right one, was so rich it was palpable.
As we were talking I could tell she felt like it was up to complete fate, total destiny, if she would find the right person. And - after having been married 6 years and watching so many friends marry off I knew there was more reason than that.
So I asked her - wait.
"Do you know the secret to how to find the right one?"
She was like, what?!
I told her that almost every person that I knew who was looking for a spouse has done this, and within a year or two they’ve found their 'person.'
She asked, “Is this an American thing that we don’t know about?!" And I said, it must be (because honestly, we get married a lot younger than the Swiss).
After our conversation I realized, hey - maybe other people don’t know this. So here it is, the unspoken secrets of finding the one. I could be going out on a limb here - but in my experience this has proven to work over and over again.
It’s a bold statement. I know.
DO NOT DO THIS if you don’t want to find the one right now. Just wait. Believe me, just wait. I thought I would get married at 30. But instead, after a frustrating date my freshman year, I did the steps and I met Ryan within 6 months. It took me awhile to get used to the idea that I found my person almost 10 years before I wanted to. DON'T DO THIS unless you’re ready for it.
Warnings being said, let’s begin. :)
** How to find your person **
There are only two steps. Only two stages. Only two focuses that you must have. You can do one. You can do the other. But it's the combination of the two that is deadly (in a good way). Like the 007 gum that you smash together and makes an explosive. It's like that. So don't do one, thinking you've got it all down. It's both. Both are very important.
Make a list.
Just like you would when you’re about to buy a car. (Rough comparison, I know). But honestly this is key to anything you're looking to achieve, attain or believe into your life.
What do you want? Be specific.
What will you NOT settle for?
What would be so over the top, thrilling?
Some of my friends had 4 things. Some had 44. It’s your list, baby. It’s your life. The only requirement is to write it. (And keep the paper, please.)
Remember that quote, ‘If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything.” Yuck, but it’s true. Now that you've got your list, you'll know right away even in conversation if they're a fit or not. Or, if some of your requirements are deeper, it will allow you to have a treasure hunt as you date to see if you pick up on the characteristics you're looking for. Either way, you're in control. This is your life. You get to choose your greatest goals and desires, and that includes your buddy.
Get yo’self right!
I love how people want their person to love THEM for who they are. And yet, so often we're not willing to FIND OUT who we are.
Now - if I'm looking for a purple spotted, techno-dancing, life partner. And you're not willing to show your spots or dance to techno - how am I ever going to find you?
It's as simple as that.
It honestly takes work to become the person we truly are (especially after high school - rough). So consider a few of these areas:
Make peace with your Creator. Love yourself. Realize you were on purpose. Learn how God speaks to you. Honestly, It’s important to hear that voice before you hear your partners’. It’s never good to allow another’s life to become your truth. So do that soul-seeking now, so when you’re in a partnership you can be grounded and centered.
As a side note, if you're serious about this relationship thing, don't skip this one. The coincidence between people who find God and people who find their person, around the same time is uncanny. Think of it like a present wrapped inside a present.
Are you living the life that makes you the most fulfilled, happy, energized? This is the time to move to where you need to move. Seek out the friends you want to have, the job you've been wishing for, the life you've been dreaming of. Now is that time.
This is also a good time to ask yourself, who have I been trying to please? What mental and emotional hangups or personal habits leave me unhappy?
Just something I've noticed, but I find that the people who are really engaged in their life are also engaged in their health and fitness. They love themselves enough to take care of their health and longevity. Identify food allergies or eating habits that don't serve you. Seek out your favorite physical activities (basketball, yoga, mountain biking) to help you get in a lifestyle rhythm that supports you being the beautiful and happy person you are (I mean who isn't attracted to that?).
In conclusion, think of it this way, you’re looking for a life partner. That means you yourself should be prepared to be an AMAZING partner. So take care of yourself (numero uno) so that when that person comes along you are already in the habit of being awesome, and you can give awesomely.
That’s it. Two things. For some - maybe you’re doing number two - and waiting on number one. That’s okay, but if you're ready for the life partner, you don’t want to wait to do number one.
I know this marriage thing is a weird conversation if it’s not your season. So please ignore if it’s not. But if it is, jump dive and roll. And tell me how it goes. :)
>> Married? Have other sure-fire tips from your experience? Post below. :)